FotN • Crank: High Voltage

a visual orgy :: night at the movies


Why do I've got a feeling today's going to be fucked?!
For those of you who haven't seen the original Crank, please feel free to slap yourself now and stop reading this intro. For those of you that have, this sequel is best described as so: take all of the intensity from the first one, mix it with the zaniness of a B-Movie, personify it, inject it with a crystal meth/heroin/horse steroid cocktail, make it snort a line of coke, and then have it make you a smoothie without the top to the blender. Still following?

Sweet 60s acid trips, Batman; this move was off the chain. Straight away, we find Chev Chelios [Jason "Next Big Action Star" Statham] bouncing off a car and hitting the pavement [see: end of Crank], only to be scooped up by a group of Asian thugs. Cut to Chev on an operating table, removal of his heart, adding the artificial one, and him slipping back into unconsciousness. Now we get our first taste of "That's just stupid... hehehehehe..." They go to remove his cock. Obviously, Chev wants nothing to do with that and goes apeshit on the doctors, guards, thugs, etc. and tries to get his heart back. A series of brutal shootings, an anal shotgun, crazy stalker hooker, strippers with guns, a queer with Full Body Tourettes [think violent seizures plus gratuitous humping], crazy public sex positions at a horse track, a Godzilla fight, and the disembodied, but still talking, head of a nemesis later and Chev "saves the day". Oh, I almost forgot the images of a ferret licking its balls, old lady violation, and David [mother fucking] Carradine. Good times.


Love is in the air... And the public sex is as raunchy as ever.
The lulls [about 5 minutes out of the 85, by my count] are only there to nudge this ridiculous plot forward. Dwight Yoakam reprises his role as the all medically knowing, black booty loving Doc Miles, and Amy Smart gets to grace much more of the screen this time around as Eve, Chev's girlfriend. What I particularly loved about this flick was that it was next to impossible to tear your eyes away from it. The editing jacked up the intensity a hundred-fold, honestly creating a visual emotion of being electrically charged. Every overexposed scene dripped of visual delight, turning average action scenes into delightfully mind-shattering romps of gore, sexuality, and/or hilarity.

Surprisingly, at only a little under an hour and a half long, the movie didn't appear all that short. With the increased speed of most shots and the generally hectic display of colors in front of you, C:HV [why does that sound like a venereal disease?] honestly felt much longer than that. Unfortunately, there were a few times this craziness got to become a bit much to swallow, and the ending was... meh, at best. I also felt a bit stupider after watching this, but, with the amount of entertainment received, I felt it was a fair trade.

This is a wonderful show to go see with the boys [or those few kick ass girls into this shit] and have a fantastic time. By no means should anyone go into this looking for an in-depth story; breasts, explosions, and guns are the only thing coming at you. And they are coming at you gloriously hard and fast.

Now, excuse me while I collect the remains of my brain.


RATING:


rock hard. live harder. o_O